I often like to post a quote on all my social media at the start of a day. Out of shear business, I got out the habit of doing it for awhile, but decided to start back up, literally, this morning. In my search for the perfect quote, I came upon this one:
“Once a woman knows her worth she doesn’t put up with disrespect because she knows she deserves to be treated better than that.”
~Sonya Parker ~
How true is this quote to so many of us?
Now don’t get me wrong, there are REAL MEN out there, who love and respect their women with all their heart. And thank God for those good men…But this Blog is inspired, sadly, by the men who seek to disrespect, control, and change their women. I hope that this blog will help to clarify any confusion felt by ladies who are being disrespected in their relationship.
At the start of a relationship, almost any man will come off like prince charming. He’ll seem totally into you, and he might even act like you are the only woman in the world. You assume he respects who you are, because he acts as if you can do no wrong. You tell him all about who you really are and what your goals in life are, and he seems to really like these things about you, and even respect your unique qualities.
But then, as time goes on, something changes… You don’t know how you got there, but he no longer seems to like the things about you he once did. Maybe he complains if you aren’t wearing make-up. Maybe he no longer wants you to wear make-up. Maybe he wants you change your hair. Or maybe it goes even deeper than changing your looks… Maybe he no longer wants you to work in the field that has made you happy, or maybe, he wants you to stop working altogether, and tend only to his needs. Or maybe he is one of those men who already has children, and one day he decides you need to stop working and totally change your life and who you are to take care of his children. You might already have children too, and have a good system that allows you to work and care for your kids, but that does not matter, because he wants to change you for him and his children. In this transaction, he gets to go on doing whatever he wants as usual. No change will come from him, and if he has children, no change is expected of them either. But you, you are expected to completely shift who you are to fit his mold for you. The point is, whatever the situation, he wants to change you. The very things he claimed to love about who you are before are no longer good enough.
With a man like this, you might remind him that these were things he used to love about you. You might tell him changing who you are is not an option. You might even tell him that you need him to love all of you again, not just parts of who you are.Sadly, in return, the reaction of a man like this tends to be to attack you more. Whatever he wants to change about you will become a constant battle. He will make it clear he does not respect you for who you are. He might taunt you, or tease you to humiliate you into giving up on parts of yourself. In the case of men with children, sometimes, they even employ their own kids to join in with disrespecting you. Sometimes, a man like this will even accuse you of things you would never do, like perhaps cheating on him, when you are not right there with him, because you are working, or maybe enjoying an outside hobby without him. This type of man might even try to damage your reputation, or cause you to lose your job, so you will not be involved in other activities outside of him. In the worst cases, a man like this might become physically abusive and try to beat a woman into submission. These are all tactics used to get you to change who you really are. And make no mistake, these are all forms of abuse. This is not a way to live, ladies, and you do deserve better!
According to John Gray, Ph.D. – author of “Men Are From Mars and Women Are From Venus”, every woman has 6 basic needs in a relationship. The things a woman needs from her man are caring, understanding, RESPECT, devotion, validation, and reassurance. In my personal view, a man who has no respect for you will not give you any of the other things listed. We absolutely need respect from our men as women. If they do not respect us for who we are, then there really is no true relationship. For how can you truly relate to anyone who can not even respect you for who you are?
Many times, I have talked with clients who become fooled or brainwashed in the process, as their men show them continued disrespect, while putting them through complete emotional turmoil. They start to think maybe they deserve it, and maybe something really is wrong with them, because that is what their man wants them to believe. They try to do anything they can to hold the relationship together while the man makes them feel constantly threatened of the relationship’s end. Sometimes, a woman will find herself giving up everything she holds dear, just to keep a hold on a man. She could even lose family and friends over it. It is hard for those who love her to watch her repeat this pattern of being involved in something so unhealthy, with someone who clearly does not have her best interests in mind.
Sometimes, the relationship will become so rocky with a man trying to change you that there may even be breaks or break ups in the relationship. He might come back nice and sweet, like the prince charming you knew when you first got together, but it does not take long for that same level of disrespect and desire to crush a woman’s spirit to come back full force.
I want all the ladies who might be in this type of situation to understand that you can get out. You have worth and you have value in this world. If there is something you have a passion for, do not let anyone change that, because it is probably an important part of your life path. You are you, and you should love and respect yourself for that, whether a man does, or not.
Also, understand that this type of man is a narcissistic personality with deep imbedded control issues. Narcissistic tendencies are actually more common than most people realize. Nothing is wrong with you, except that you fell for it out of a desire to be loved.
Do not allow anyone to crush your spirit. Respect yourself first. You do deserve that. You deserve a man who will love you for who you really are. You deserve to be happy, and you deserve to be who you truly are.
If you think you might be in this type of relationship, and need counsel on that, I am here. Please, give me a call. It’s not always easy to accept, but I’ll be there to help you through and help you to understand. If you are confused, and need some help with direction on your life path, I’m here. Please, give me a call. I can help you through the fog and through the challenges back to who you really are, and gaining your own self respect.